I love Vienna……and other things I won’t apologize for 2-1-10

Quote:  it was a tie today……

–          Why not go out on a limb……that’s where the fruit is.  Mark Twain

–          Advice is something you ask for when you already know the answer but wish that you didn’t.  Erica somebody (I honestly can’t read my own writing to tell what the last name is)

Song:  also a tie…..between……Who I Am (Nick Jonas – don’t judge!) and Closer to Love – Matt Kearney

Thoughts:

–          The Bachelor:

• I like Tenley.  I don’t think she’s going to make it (Thanks to Mandy giving me a spoiler)…..but I like her and wish her the best.  I think she still needs a little recovery time from the whole divorce……but she’ll get there.  I can relate to some of the stuff she was saying about being divorced and being so determined to have happiness again!!!  But….I’m not gonna lie, when their fortune cookies matched….I felt emotion….it was cute.
• Ali – I was such a fan at first.  Now she’s just annoying.  Concentrate on your relationship with him.  For the love of pearl….stop  bringing Vienna into every stinking convo, date, or whatever.  ON MY NERVES…..you have been warned
• Gia or whatever her name is.  She looks like the Joker from Batman.  I can’t get past it.  I really wish I could….but I can’t
• And finally….Vienna (Corri doesn’t even deserve to be typed about)……you know what, nobody likes her.  I at first got this.  I wasn’t a fan either….BUT……she has her mind right.  She’s going after what she wants….period.  She doesn’t give a rip about making friends.  And out of all the crazies on this season (and goodness knows this has been a season of crazies)……she isn’t making any bones about what she’s up to.  I get that.  And I think the way Jake has dropped em like flies in a “I’m not here to mess around” fashion……he likes her for her assertiveness.

–          I am yet, as a 29 (almost 30) year old woman able to eat a twin popsicle without it turning into a disaster.  And for some reason I am always wearing a white shirt when this happens.  How on earth are you supposed  eat those things  without it falling off the stick……I just don’t get it.

–          Caught up with an old friend tonight who reminded me why it was so good for me to move on from a certain person I allowed to run my life for 4 years…….*sigh* so silly the things we do……

–          Love is in the air peeps….with Valentine’s day approaching.  I’m trying to refrain  from being negative this year.  Trying something new for once……I’ll let you know how it goes. I have an internal struggle with “how do you know”…….I’m working on it….and I struggle with actually letting myself like someone…..oh the tales of a woman scorned !

–          Oh how I struggle with my dad being gone lately.  I go from hearing the funniest story one minute to finding an old email from him that physically leaves me feeling like I have been punched in the gut.  The weirdest thing happened the other night (well, not weird, I know it needed to happen and was controlled by THE MAN)……I’m having a “dad day”….which is what I label those rough days as…….and a good friend who has also lost her dad just happened to email me with an assignment  where she had to write her dad a note.  Almost everything she wrote was EXACTLY what I feel and if I could put all my craziness into words, it would’ve been those words.  I was reading it as I pulled into my parking spot and sat in my car to finish.  Right as the song “Can Anybody Hear Me” by Meredith Andrews came on.  Talk about a moment…..sigh……

Anywho……some people have had the balls to judge me for just now having the grief hit me out loud and having so many moments.  Well, in case those jerks haven’t noticed, I’ve had a crappy and very busy year…..so pardon me for having my uterus ripped out, losing my dad and just now sitting down long enough for all of it to catch up with me.  For those of you who are so sweet to send me notes and express love and concern but might not know what to say cause you haven’t been there……so I thought I would share exerpts of her letter to let you know a little of what ‘s going on in my head…..

I’m not the person I was the day before you died and I’m not the person I was the day after you died.  I’m so much more of you than I ever thought I could possibly be.  I wish you could see me now. I know more than anyone I have a lot of things that could be improved in my life, but I believe in myself now, something you always tried to teach me.  My attempts now are not to live life as if it is happening to me, but as if I am happening to the world around me.

Sometimes I think those feelings of panic are based on the fact that with each day, you are more of a memory than a reality and that hurts more than words seem to be able to explain.  I long for people to know you like I knew you.

So many thoughts and feelings flood my mind and words seem hard to find when I think about that question.  My answer might seem simple, but I want you to be proud of me.  I guess that’s what I spent my entire time with you desiring, I want you to look at my life and smile and know that all the good in me is because of all the greatness in you.   I want your unconditional love to be the crux of who I am as a person.  I want your patience to be my demeanor.  I want your joy to be the catapult of my life.  I want your compassion for others to be the mission of my life.  And I want your giving spirit to be the service of my heart.  I want to be like you.  I want to give validity and strength to your legacy.  And in the end, as much as I wish you were still here with me and going to be here with me for all the important times like walking me down the aisle and all the non-important times like just an afternoon phone call, I want you to rest in peace.

Thank you Mandy for those words…….they helped me more than you know!!!