This year…

so I’m just feeling “reflective” tonight I guess……..I was thinking…man, I’ve learned a lot of little things that have been big impacts on me this year.  So I started documenting.  I realize that the list is getting long and you probably won’t want to read it all at once so I’ll start a little at a time 🙂

Tonight, you get the somber, philosophical or what have you stuff…..I just don’t have funny in me today.

This year….

I have jumped in with both feet more times than ever,  none of them worked out…but in the moments, they were great times.  I drove states away for something I was certain was love only to find out that I’m too fat for Indiana.  I compromised my “will not compromise list” and discovered that being that far off the path I desire for myself is far from worth it.  I learned that nothing can make you more physically sick than truly believing something someone tells you and even defending them for it, only to find out it was all a lie.  But, this HAS to be preparation for something greater……and I can’t wait to have that 😉

In jumping like I did…..I got hurt more than I ever have before and see myself becoming more reserved, cautious and hesitant about throwing myself out there again.  But, all in all, it’s who I am and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.  I’m a jumper and I can die saying that I truly love and go into things with my whole entire heart.

I’ve learned in dating that I should carry a warning label.  I’m just not sure how to word it yet.  It would be something to the effect of “I’m busy…the A-train is moving fast….jump on or get left”…….Finding people to keep up with me is rare.  I’m really that busy.  Sometimes I don’t give people enough credit when they don’t seem as busy as me…but I’m working on it.

Pink underwear NEVER looks good on a man.  And as sweet as revenge would be….for the first time ever, when I was faced with a chance to have it, I walked away and am going to trust in the hope that keeping quiet will be a greater reward than campaigning for people to believe my side of the story.

No matter how tough I thought I was……surviving my dad’s death and my life changing surgery is not even remotely on my time.  But I think me and the “system” are getting along better.

I’ve met some awesome people that I would’ve thrown myself into a friendship with in a heartbeat.  Instead, I have realized how precious it is to have fewer friends that are higher quality.  I have also realized that “cleaning up your circle” doesn’t have to be done in a loud, obnoxious manner.  Quietly exiting and leaving a few bread crumb trails is ok too.

Most amazing perspective I found…from Nelda Harris…..The most important thing that came out of having cancer is the peace of God that entered my heart and mind. I had never received the peace that passes understanding even though I was saved at 12 years old. There is something about knowing that you… are going to die (and die soon) that can make you ask, in a way that you have never asked before, for the peace that you know – and have always known – that only God can give; and then actually receive that peace.” I can’t get this out of my  head.  Nor do I really want to.  So much stuff surpasses my understanding.  But to have the calm of God over me makes it ok that I don’t get it.  Sometimes I don’t even care to try to understand some things.  It’s not for me to understand and I’m ok with that.  I just know…….I can’t explain it….but I just know it’s all in His hands and that certainly makes life more bearable sometimes.

I am calmer.  I don’t anger as quickly (despite what the people at work who pick on me mercilessly think)

Music is the best therapy ever

I am so much more than the weight I carry.  Literally and figuratively.

Who I’ve become isn’t so bad and I will spend 2011 NOT beating myself up so bad about it.

Of all the “boy troubles” I experienced this year…….they were nothing compared to all the kids I got attached to and had to let go.  I am meant to be in some kid’s life…I just know it….and I can’t wait to meet them.

Never show up for early service Sunday School class w/ first graders without at least two cups of coffee in your system.

I don’t know the lyrics to nearly as many songs as I thought I did.

My mom is growing into a person that I adore.  She always has been awesome.  But since my dad passed, she has taken life by the horns and came into her own.  I am more proud of her than she’ll ever know and I certainly don’t tell her enough.

My sister as a single mother has more respect from me than she could ever hold in a cup.  She does it daily w/out complaint and is raising an amazing daughter who I can’t remember life without.

My other sister is turning into someone I don’t even recognize since she’s been married.  Seeing her with her family is so sweet.

I have an amazing aunt and uncle that I couldn’t be more glad to have gotten close to.  Nobody and I mean nobody has ever believed in me and made me feel like I could conquer the world like her.  I want to make her proud!!!

My dog is the best hugger ever.

I make people laugh.  Sometimes (ok most of the time) at my expense.  And as much as I throw my search for fame out there…..I really, genuinely just long to touch as many lives as I can.

People are just crazy.  I can’t change that.  I can just embrace my own.

I want to forgive more in 2011.

I have a passion for taking pictures.  I didn’t realize it until recently.  But it brings a calm/happiness to me that I can’t describe.  I have a long way to go to be “good” at it….but I think I bring an emotional aspect to people’s pictures that I’m proud of.

It is imperative to pamper yourself in some way.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does have to happen.

I’m HORRIBLE at completing projects.  I have a list of amazing things I would like to put together.  I am vowing to make no further lists until the current ones are completed.

If I died tomorrow, these are the most important things I would want people to know about me.  I LOVE God…..I don’t announce it like I should and I try not to be pushy about it.  But it’s there and I would be lost without it.  No matter how you look at me, or what you think of me….all I’ve ever truly wanted is a) to be loved genuinely and whole heartedly b) to make an impact on someone’s life  c) laugh a lot