Dungeons and Douchebags Series….Meet Jacob

Sigh…..I was just bragging about how I hadn’t met anyone who fit this category enough to blog about them and then Jacob happened.  Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by a guy not working out that I met online.  But this guy…….this guy has me all kinds of worked up and not in a good way.

Meet Jacob.  I was going to disguise his name and such but am just too mad to give him any protection.  He doesn’t deserve it at this point.

Jacob is a 35 year old online dater.  His profile pic on the dating website was nice enough to know that he was extremely good looking (in my opinion) but still not too clear.  Jacob messaged me, which was nice since I am usually the aggressor and contact most guys first.  Then the following happened.  You can draw your own conclusion about Jacob, I am just going to list the facts.  Also, during this list, there will be a few points where you probably will think to yourself “well, that’s obvious, you should’ve stopped talking to him then”.  I agree with you.  But when I know they are being snakes, it does something within me that makes me want to dig further and gather info to later call them out.  I also realize that probably is some serious issue deep within that I should seek therapy for (I mean I can’t be some douchebag busting super hero I guess).  ANYWAY, “it is what it is” today for the story telling purposes of this blog. 🙂

1.  Jacob messages me on the site and says “you are super sexy”.  I reply how nice that was to hear.  We continue to message back and forth and later exchange numbers.  I am always leary of super hot guys on these sites.  For one, I am not a “hot guy” attractor.  I’m just not.  I usually do better with the nerds and I am more than ok with that.  It’s not secret that I am not a super model in the least, so when an unusually attractive man reaches out, I am always suspicious.  (again, an issue I’ll save for my therapist)     
2. We start texting.  Jacob is a little bit more flirty than I am comfortable with so soon but I also realize that I have been quite the prude lately and figure it won’t hurt to try to be more open to compliments and flirting.  Plus, he sent me a pic of himself through text and I’m not gonna lie….I was a sucker.  He is a beautiful human.
3. Because I am a typical girl (and do not even try to act like this is crazy – just because I am about to admit to it doesn’t make me crazy – honey every girl does her own research whether she admits it or not) I do a little Facebook research.  I type in Jacob’s number in the search bar of Facebook and BAM, there he is.  Jacob G.  I pull up his Facebook profile to see that his profile picture was updated on 5/24.  It’s a sweet pic of him and his little girl sitting on a 4-wheeler……….and on his hand is a wedding ring.  Nice.  Then, if you scroll further, you see another profile pic was posted on 5/23 of him with a beautiful woman (much prettier than I am for sure!).  Sweet.  IF, I am going to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt, that was three weeks ago so maybe he is NEWLY single.
4. I text Jacob and say “so, do you have Facebook”.  He replies “no”.  Oh, interesting because I just found you on there.  He explains it as his ex has his login info and must be posting it for him.  He says he has it all cleared up now and do I see his profile anymore.  Nope, sure don’t.  Glad you got that fixed buddy.   
   
5. We talk on the phone briefly after work and he has to let me go to change his daughter’s diaper. He says he will call me back shortly.  I text him and ask if we can talk later since I am cooking dinner and such.  He says “yeah, text first though”…..hmmm, why’s that?   
6.  We continue to text some and I try to call him later to which he explains he can’t talk because his daughter fell asleep on his chest.  Oh.  Ok.  
   
7. This morning bright and early he is texting me being all charming and such.  But I just don’t trust him.  So when I’m having coffee with a coworker and telling her about this situation, she pulls up her Facebook app on her phone and searches for him.  Well, would you looky here…….there is hot Jacob’s profile.  Sooooo, you basically just used my trick of putting in my phone number, finding my Facebook profile and blocking me.  Genius.  Except that I’m not dumb.  I choose to “address” everything in reply to his “sad face” text when he asks if I am daydreaming about him and I say “no” 🙂 .  I then send him this book of a text to which I have received no reply (and probably never will).  I’m not even sure why I was even the least bit nice, but I felt like I was compared to what I was thinking.  🙂  

I am beyond mad.  Not for myself.  I have thick skin.  Be a douchebag to me, that’s fine, I’ll just blog about it.  But how many women is he hitting on and flirting with that he is also clearly not being honest with?  It’s just not necessary.  Online dating is hard enough as it is without morons like yourself doing stupid and shady stuff such as this.  And that girl in his profile pic…she is adorable.  Does she even have a clue that he is on a dating site?  Sure, women are crazy.  But guys like you provoke it.

You Jacob, deserve a swift kick in the balls.  I’m not sure if he has ever won any awards, but today, he takes the “Douchelord of the Day” award hands down.