Planning My Funeral

Before I even start this post, I need you to understand that I am sometimes (ok, always) random and a tiny bit weird.  I often wonder if some of the things that go on in my head also go on in other people’s heads.  I am convincing myself that they do and I am relying on those people showing up to read this blog.  The rest of you, well, you were warned. 🙂

When I saw this dress online a while back, I was completely drawn to it for two reasons.  One, I love the style of being a bit 50’s-ish.  Secondly, funerals.  Whether you want to admit it or not, or whether you think I’m a total loon, every girl needs a funeral dress.  Obviously, this dress is fabulous enough to work for tons of other functions, but I primarily bought it for funerals.  Clearly, I don’t sit around anticipating another’s death.  I also don’t mean for it to seem as if I treat a funeral like a fashion show.  

I do, however, feel like it’s important to look classy and a bit reserved for such an occasion (it’s really the only occasion I believe this for, by the way).  You cannot go wrong with pearls (even if they are fake) and a black dress.  When I came across this dress I realized that I didn’t have a dress that fit my “funeral belief system” and when I discovered that I could snag this for $20, I jumped right on it.  Now, all I need is for someone to die.  JUST KIDDING!!!!!  I just knew that once I coupled this with my pearls and black heels, that I was definitely going to win any Audrey Hepburn costume contests!

Once the dress arrived, I tried it on and realized it was THE PERFECT funeral dress for any funeral……..except mine.  I started thinking about how I would make my funeral different from most (because I always want to be different and MAYBE I have a few control issues – even in my own death).  I can respect a classy funeral, after all, I just bought a dress for that exact event.  But, I need funeral fun.  So, in the event of my untimely death, I am publishing my funeral wishes for all of the interwebs to see……..and maybe to also make sure enough people see it so that my mom feels obligated to carry it out versus putting me in a button up cardigan and pearls! 🙂 Weird?  Probably so.  Cares?  Zero.  

Unless you’re an ex that broke up with me and realized how incredibly stupid that decision was and now it’s too late to do anything about it.

Enough Said

I’m pretty sure that the fact that my chest will be stiff should be taken advantage of.  Gravity has taken over my boobs these days, so death may cause them to be stiff enough to go back where they were in my twenties and I don’t want to waste it.

Bold red lipstick though, not “I just crawled out of my pimp’s car to go to a job” red. 

I don’t want someone up there talking about anything boring.  I just want people to tell funny stories.  Let me know if you need me to draft a script for everyone.

This one is the most important.  It would be great if P!nk is still alive to just have her come do a few tunes.  If she’s not, anything upbeat that makes you wanna do a Rocky Balboa, stair type run will do.  It won’t even hurt my dead feelings if everyone breaks out into spontaneous dance.  If you REALLY loved me, you would all burst out into Don’t Stop Believin mid-funeral.

Everyone at my funeral should be dressed in something bold and fun.  I don’t need it looking like a circus freak show….but getting out of your comfort zone is the least you can do for my death wish, right?

Preferably in inflatable form, will do in lieu of flowers.  If there are flowers, leave the carnations out of it.  I don’t know why they got the dirty job of being the funeral flower, but they are not for me.

First, I want a casket that you can write on.  Have colorful sharpies available and leave me a good love note.  I’ll know if you skip that part in the line and I will haunt you forever. 🙂 I kid!  Next, it needs to include lights.  Fun lights on the outside (that could potentially move to the music) and good, Hollywood type lighting around my face that accentuates my red lipstick and long eyelashes.  Forgot to mention that before.  The eyelashes need to be long.  I won’t hate you if you pick ones from the Halloween costume aisle that have a little sparkle to them.

Cover my grave in glitter.  Unless you’re my friend James.  He hates glitter, so he gets a pass.  The disco balls are for tombstone decorations, mostly because in all my years in advertising, nobody has let me incorporate it into any of my campaigns.  Actually, anyone who can pull off a real, spinning disco ball as my tombstone will get extra points.  I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you with the big man once I meet him. 

 

I think that gets us started.  I feel like if you all start with this list, the creative juices will continue to flow and my funeral will be an epic blowout.  

I think we can safely say that I feel comfortable with you people to share my weirdness so openly with.  Don’t leave me hanging!  Share one fun thing you would do at your funeral and reassure me that I’m at least a lovable weirdo! 🙂 

Happy Wednesday!

Outfit details:

Dress (completely customizable): Eshakti

Necklace: Sam Moon

Shoes: Nine West