I’m just now shutting my laptop for the night and going to bed. A bed that has “half on” sheets because I have just been too tired to care if they are on right or at all.
I have no Christmas decorations up AT ALL (for the first time in my entire life). And at this point, I doubt any of it will get done.
I haven’t planned my funny single Christmas card (you know you have all been dying for an update on that one)
I’m quite possibly at an all time high for being a terrible friend. I know I’ve missed texts and let too many go unanswered. I can’t remember to return calls. I certainly don’t call my mother as often as I should. I fail to check in with people and make time to visit with those I haven’t seen in a while.
If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t know when even my closest friends were celebrating birthdays. I haven’t kept a hang out commitment in ages (sorry Rob and Jessica).
I have stepped away from people simply out of the lessening of tolerance levels and the realization that you don’t have to accept other’s mistreatment of you, out of obligation. And I’m not even a little bit sorry for doing it.
I’m not kind to my body. I’m actually being the most unkind it’s probably ever experienced from me. And it’s not even rebelling anymore as much as it’s just sad and tired and defeated.
When someone says “you are always so put together”, I cringe and look over my shoulder, worried that they will find out how “un put together” I really am…..or that there will be a number of my enemies in line to point it out for them (or that they saw me barely be able to find clothes to wear this morning).
This has been the weirdest and one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I have been stubborn in not taking real rest. I have laid in bed in the mornings wondering how in the heck I got anything done the day before, and how on earth I’m going to get anything done today. I have wished for some magical fairy to see where I struggle and just show up and help without me having to admit that I need it! (i.e. putting up my Christmas decorations lol)
BUT……….Also….
I’m the toughest I’ve been in a while. These last six months have brought battles I never thought I would be in (cancer blows). Yet my mind has not even remotely let me dwell in a place of negativity or fear. I’m a worrier by nature and haven’t been able to even do that.
My career has stretched me more than I thought it could or would. And every time I try to have a minute of “I don’t want to do this.” Or “I can’t do this” or whatever, I’m immediately shown that I am equipped for this season and am growing in ways that can only mean that I’m about to launch into something really great. And my years of hard work and trying to overcome are finally paying off.
Even though my friends may be fewer, the ones that are in this season with me are patient and showing me staying power that I didn’t even know I needed. And, I’m being exposed to new friends that I can’t wait to grow (already love you, Chelsea).
I’m sticking up for myself and I’m taking less crap. And man, does that feel good!
I’m making the most out of the free time I have and being wise in how I choose to spend it. I don’t get a lot of free time these days (see exhibit A – late night laptop pic :p ), and I know that load isn’t going to lighten any time soon. So, I try to be very intentional about how I spend my free time. And it’s making me realize that some things are just ok undone (Like not putting up a Christmas tree – ok, that one is still breaking my heart, but you get what I’m saying).
I’m more focused. Which is weird to say since so much of life for me right now is so out of sorts (I.e. that pile of unfolded laundry). For the first time, I’m seeing that there is a longer term play and end game and not sacrificing that for the temporary (haven’t quite applied this to my self care and body yet lol). So, the late nights, although tiring, are still serving a longer term purpose that I know will pay off.
I appreciate the “off” things. Like those picture frames that are off center. Every time my door closes, they get knocked that way. It used to drive me crazy. And I still straighten them from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Because them being crooked means I have been living life outside of this apt 🙂
Literally every time my mind has even acted like it was going to take a right down “bad thought lane”, something happens to immediately shut it off. Sometimes it’s a pause (which is new territory for me). Sometimes it’s someone who crosses my path in that moment with a word of encouragement or just enthusiasm in general. Sometimes it’s my dog crawling up next to me, when normally he’s at my feet. It’s a host of things like that, that seem to show up and say “nope, back to focus, you’re growing and the other side is magical”.
I’ve done a lot of late night, cheesy rattling to simply try to say that it’s ok to give yourself permission to be in a weird place. It’s ok to ramble and post it on a blog and risk people not understanding (especially if writing makes you this happy and serves it’s therapeutic purpose).
It’s ok to be in that weird place and feel uncomfortable (I still can’t wrap my mind around how we got to December so fast and how little I accomplished). Sometimes it takes these kinds of places to prompt us into serious action (as in I will NEVER go through another holiday season this “naked” and non-celebratory).
It’s ok to say all the same cheesy things that a million Instagram quote/memes say and have people roll their eyes about it (because there is probably one person who wishes they could say the same things out loud – and connecting with that one person through you being out loud and transparent is more than worth the other 6,000 eye rolls and skip overs)
Just don’t go so far that you can’t come back. 🙂
Alicia Out Loud 