Two years ago I wrote a blog post with a plethora of bikini pictures (not trying to be a Kardashian, I was just feeling myself)…and it was one of the scariest things I have ever done. But I don’t regret it. Putting myself out here is still hard because, let’s be real, haters gonna hate! But now I put myself out here knowing that I’ve done the work and I’m still growing and this transparency and vulnerability is a huge part of that.
See that blog here. And here is my favorite excerpt
I still love 2-pieces. And I still show up at lake house gatherings single and the fattest of the bunch. But you can bet your sweet britches I do it boldly.
I loved myself at the time of the past blog, but it was for all the wrong reasons. I was working through so many things (that transparency will come in a later blog). I have learned the hard way that if you want to live different you have to act different. PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN. A loss of people, a lot of uncomfortable alone time, a broken ankle (which brings even more insecurities and a literal dependence of anyone but myself)..but being vulnerable and sitting in my stillness brought me to where I am today. It brought me to a happy place, a comfortable place, a place that still brings me challenges that I face head on instead of running the other way. There is something so great (and underestimated about being happy, even in facing hard stuff).
“We try to dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability to the punch.”
And today I welcome that vulnerability with open arms and an open heart, and that is making ALLLLLL the difference. In the vulnerability I have made the most progress, found the most connections, grown the most.
I have “fessed” up things to friends, that I hid out of fear…..only to find out they love me just as much and in spite of….
How unstoppable would we really be if we embraced allllllll that love????
But……No matter how much I tried, I was still too dependent on myself. I was reaching out to temporary fills in a void with inauthentic friends, poor choices in men, not addressing the health needs my body was craving. The list goes on.
And I was just tired. My heart is/was soooo tired. My mouth was tired of talking. All the things.
And that lead me to these conclusions…that have been repeated daily….and although I am ALWAYS a work in progress, repeating these things DAILY are helping me profess:
· No one is perfect. The very idea that I can obtain this, has stolen more time than I care to admit.
· What other people think is none of my damn business. And there are PLENTY of mean girls out there that make me repeat this DAILY. (And p.s.if they’re reading this, I’m sorry you’re sad in your life and uncomfortable with just how comfortable I am with myself AND my past)
· It’s not my job to fix a man. I will spare you allll the quote pics I have saved to remind me of this. ANDDD while we are on this topic….his issues and inability to see you’re awesome DOESN’T HAVE A DANG THING TO DO WITH YOU (but EVERYTHING to do with what he won’t address about himself)
· Bending too far will eventually break you. Forget the “bent not broken” crap. You CAN break. And you will break, if you depend on humans and the world to validate you. But hear me now….brokenness can be beautiful too. I’m pretty proud of what my own brokenness produced.
· You will learn who makes the glue in your life. And don’t even try to go through life without it! But….pay close attention to those that only offer crappy scotch tape, instead of name brand Gorilla glue.
· Listen to your instincts (usually driven by God), they will always get through to you no matter how much you try to ignore them. Somehow, those suckers seem to get louder when you try to ghost them 😘
· “You do you” is a nice sentiment, but it is NOT the answer. There. I said it. It’s not. You will be sick of yourself. You don’t have the capacity to sustain what this world throws at you. Sanctification is better (and something that this book goes through way better than I just said).
I wish my thighs wanted to live without each other. And I wish that when I accidentally opened the front facing camera, that I didn’t see 87 chins.
But here we are. And I would be doing myself (and my life panel of people 😝) a huge disservice if I didn’t embrace different than “the wishes”.
So, Here is how I survive:
💯 Authentic, real people. People who know me better than I know myself sometimes. People who will speak HARD truth.
⛺️ Retreat. Oh my, how I have been so bad at this in the past. But now I crave it. Crave it so much that I “drove away” from a situation Wednesday, to the far away lake house and forced myself to be alone. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. So glorious that I forced myself to take these pics and face ME. And let me be clear, I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF!!
✂️ Carry the scissors. Ok. Maybe not literally. But as a person who has chronically put up with too much, for too long…..recognizing and cutting toxic sooner has been huge.
👎🏼 It’s really not about you. And it really doesn’t matter what others think about you. Not even a little bit.
📖 I can’t wait to address more on other blogs (like the “driving away” and my favorite parts of this new book I’m reading)…but….this image says it all. We can’t address what we won’t admit.
🤷🏼♀️So here I stand. Starting the admitting and addressing. I’m chronically flawed. I love hard. I fail hard. But I KNOW that I am forgiven and worthy and by golly I’m a light that is supposed to shine. And I intend to find and embrace every ray of that.
I REALLY REALLY hope you do too! HAPPY SUMMER!!!!
Alicia Out Loud 