I am going back to school. 🙂 even though I practically have a masters degree from the school of hard knocks, it seems as if I need to take myself back for a bit of Breaking Up 101. I am not talking about dating break ups either (I seem to be an expert at getting broken up with already). I am talking about breaking up with those people or even “things” that are no longer good for you.
See, I am a fixer and an extreme lover of broken people. I am drenched in my mother’s “loves to be needed” DNA. I love to meet new people. I cling to them! Literally. When I first meet someone, I just want to know all about them. I usually make fast friends. It’s always later down the road when I am hip deep in the new found friendship that I sometimes realize that I have fallen into a situation that is not healthy. The problem with being so drawn to people (especially broken ones) is that you can easily become so absorbed in them (healing them, listening to their woes for hours, being too available) that you lose yourself without even realizing it.
I know. I know. We are all broken in some way. I in no way claim to be unbroken or superior to anybody. But when you make yourself too available and you give 123% of yourself to a friendship, you also start expecting. And when you cast expectations on people who aren’t built to give them to you, enter disappointment. Disappointment that you are partially to blame for because, chances are, they don’t even know what you expect from them. Everyone’s 100% looks different. I love learning the five love languages for this reason. It was eye opening for me to learn and finally accept that what my “all” is could be different than yours. And that’s ok. What is NOT ok is when you are in a situation of constant hurt. We could cover so much more of this in a long, in depth book so I will try to keep it short. 🙂 (and we all know that attempt will fail miserably. But hang in there. I promise this is good) When you are in a friendship that leaves you feeling drained, rejected, used, or any other negative emotion, you HAVE to stop. You have to step back and evaluate. What are the emotions I am left with and is the person even aware that it is leaving me this way? If this is “just how they are” am I ok with it always being like that? Are they being respectful of you? Do they place value on your friendship with them?
I have recently been in quite the struggle with myself and a few friendships. I tend to hang on out of loyalty or “not being the bad guy”. There is also a little hanging on because I know when I go away, they probably won’t even notice. And that hurts. And quite frankly I am tired. I am not moving forward with being a better me because I am too busy “crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for me” (love that quote). I have to accept that some people are not in your life forever. You don’t have to be my friend. We can all still exist on the planet. 🙂 I cannot move on to the next phase of becoming more awesome and making my dreams come true (and believe me, I am right on the edge of some pretty big things) if I keep crying over hurt feelings from unhealthy friendships.
So, it’s time we breakup. I will not be readily available for you when you don’t have anything better to do. I will not be the one always initiating contact. I will not hang out with you only when I suggest it and only at your house and then watch you post pics of being out having a great time (when you know dang well I would love to be out too). I will not listen to the same problems over and over while you don’t even ask or encourage me about things in my life. I will not be an afterthought.
What I will be to anyone interested in real friendship is loving. I will love you hard. It’s what I do. I will pray for you more than I pray for myself. I will make you laugh. Mostly at me, but laugh nonetheless. I will make you cheesy crafts for your birthday but not give them to you until months later (because my memory is horrible and I am a procrastinator). My friendship isn’t for everyone. I talk too much (mostly about myself). I am needy. I will flake on 3/5 things you invite me too. And if you are hurting physically, I will retreat and seem like the worst friend ever (because if I can’t fix it or make it better I can’t watch suffering of any kind). BUT, I accept that I am not for everyone. And I am thankful for the ones who hang around. 🙂
So be ok with breaking up. No dramatic profession of departure needed. Just quietly walk away knowing you value yourself enough to know when a situation is unhealthy and needs to go. PLUS, the longer you continue, the less of the best you that person is getting. And that’s a wrap on my profound wisdom :-p HAPPY THURSDAY!!!
Alicia Out Loud 